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Penultimate Loser

I am the Penultimate Loser.

For serious.

I’m bordering on pathetic.

I missed yoga because I can’t bend my knee.

I couldn’t go for a run.

I’m having a glass of wine. Alone.

Eating my pea and bacon pasta (made with the bacon from the awkward date: see One More Girl on the Stage for details). Still all by my lonesome.

And I’m watching Felicity on amazon prime. And I’m on my third episode.

Okay, so at least I’m not as pathetic as Felicity.

But I’m craving chocolate.  And more wine.  And this no fitness thing. I’m soooo totally going to get fat. Right? I’m going to turn into a scary chocolate bacon monster that no one will want to talk to.  Swell up like a pig.

Okay, maybe my knee will get better. I will get back into fitness. It’s only been a couple of days. 

But I do still feel kinda crappy.

And wallowing helps, right?

But then I think. OMG. What if I *am* as pathetic as Felicity? I am that total loser and no one has had the heart to tell me?

Only she was skinny. And had that hair.  Why can’t I have that stomach. And that hair. I’ll take it!

And the boys she has to constantly deal with are super cute.  And don’t treat her like the moron she is.

And she is really never single. Except for brief moments. And gets a happy ending. At least I remember that she did?

But then again, it was a tv show. A tv show that ended ten years ago. And Felicity is 100% fictional.

Perhaps best *not* to compare.

But the show is so addictive. Can’t. Stop. Watching. The. Awkardness.  So very addictive…. Guilty pleasure…

Like the bacon in this pasta.  The bacon that was given to me on that awkward date.

Mmm… Bacon!

Ooooh my phone is beeping.  Huzzah! I am popular after all.

*Open iPhone and check messages*

Oh… It is the Bacon Boy.

Right.

I am still a loser.

At least I won’t cut my hair to my chin in an act of defiance.

Or should I? Cut my hair. Okay, not so extreme. But I really do need a hair cut. Desperately. Gotta get on that.

Another text! Woot woot.

*Open iPhone and check messages*

Work.  D’oh.

Better not respond now.

I’ll just go back to more of this watching awkward freshman moments on my computer. That’s got to be worse than I am now, right? And eat some chocolate. Definitely eat some chocolate.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will see if I can do a run/walk. And some yoga.

And go to bed early.

And eat healthy.

And vacuum and clean the shower. Gross, I hate cleaning the shower.

But now I will finish this wine while Felicity makes a total fool of herself.

Must stop with wine.

And stop eating chocolate.

And stop obsessively opening iPhone to see if new text messages.  There are no new messages. Or facebook notifications. Or whatever.

I am the Penultimate Loser.

Why did I start to write this again?

Oh right…

*cue the orchestral music*

DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!

The Penultimate Loser Bacon Pea Pasta!!!

The Penultimate Loser Bacon Pea Pasta
Serves 2-3
Adapted from Jamie Oliver and The Martin Blog

Ingredients:
1/2 pound Whole Wheat Orecchiette pasta
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 tbsp organic butter
5 slices bacon–cut into short, narrow slices (I actually just cut into squares, because I’m lazy)
1 cup (or slightly more) frozen peas
1 heaping tbsp Greek Yogurt (I used Fage 0%)
Small bunch of shredded basil
Salt and pepper
Juice of 1/2 a lemon
3 oz parmesan cheese, shredded
Dash of milk

1. Boil water. Add pasta.
2. While pasta is cooking, melt butter and olive oil in a large sauce pan (with high sides) over medium heat. You will add the pasta to this pan, so make sure it is big enough!
3. Once the butter is melted, add the bacon. Cook approximately five minutes–or until the bacon is crispy.
4. Add the frozen peas. Cook for approximately two minutes, or until peas fully defrost.
5. Mix in the yogurt and basil.  Dash of salt and pepper. Remove from heat.
6. Add cook pasta. Toss thoroughly to coat.  Pour lemon juice on top and dash of milk, combine until pasta is thoroughly coated.  Top with shredded Parmesan. Toss until Parmesan evenly distributed and completely melted.

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