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Lora Hogan > Uncategorized  > It may be a bumpy flight

It may be a bumpy flight

Have you ever sat next to one of those super annoying people on the plane? I mean, I seem to meet the weirdest people at the airport. Which is too bad, as I fly pretty regularly!

The range from the Chatty Cathy, to the heavily perfumed, to the oversized passenger, the crying baby, the unaccompanied minor, you name it. I’ve had some funny people sit next to me. Though the last one really *was* a weirdo.

Scene. A crowded JetBlue airplane. The back of the plane. The galley across and the bathroom behind. Obviously the best spot for flying!
 
Characters
Man: Abnormally large for his short stature, he uses a seat-belt extender.  He is dressed in a rumpled collared shirt, brightly colored striped tie clashing horrifically with his orange checkered shirt. His tie is askew, his hair mussed, greasy and rapidly thinning.  He wears large glasses and breaths heavily–as though each breath is terrifically difficult task.  He keeps a used handkerchief in his shirt pocket, which he regularly uses to blow his nose and wipe sweat from his forehead. 

Man reclines seat.

Man: (exhales loudly) Ahhh……

Man plays with his phone.  A seat separates him (barely) from Woman on aisle.

Loudspeaker: Please turn of all electronic devices at this time. All carry-on items must be stowed under the seat in front of you.


Man continues to play with the phone. Phone begins to play loud music.

Woman shoots Man a dirty look.

Man remains clueless and music volume increases.  He punches at the phone…nothing happens. He jabs at the phone again.  He finally shuts off phone and sits it in the middle chair.  Man reaches under the seat in front of him and awkwardly retrieves his carry-on man-purse.  He pulls out a car phone charger, computer cable, a rumpled newspaper, a spare handkerchief. Man uses spare handkerchief to immediately and LOUDLY blow his nose. Man refolds handkerchief.  Man sets everything in the middle seat, with used handkerchief on top. He sets his purse down on the ground–directly in front of the middle seat and most notably NOT under the seat in front of him.

Woman shoots Man a dirty look.

Man picks up newspaper. Opens newspaper fully.  Moments later, Man closes newspaper.  He begins to loudly rustle the newspaper. He opens and closes various pages, with no apparent logic.  He seems to have no purpose. He can’t possibly be reading.  He opens a section, wrinkles the page, pulls a corner, then loudly shifts to the next section.  Every page of the newspaper makes a loud sound. He wrinkles then smooths the pages out. He folds the paper into a small square to try and squint at it, before he opens the entire paper and unfolds the middle section. 

Woman shoots Man a dirty look.

Man continues to play with the newspaper. He opens his tray-table and sets several sections down on it.  He puts the remainder in the middle seat.  He reaches for his man purse and hits his head on the tray-table.  He sits back up. Moves the remainder of the newspaper to the middle seat.  He closes the tray table.  He reaches back for his man-purse.  He picks it up, unzips it, and pulls out a container of ice. Man adds his purse to the middle seat and, once again, pulls down his tray-table.  He opens his container of ice.  In addition to loudly wrestling with the newspaper, Man begins to chew ice.

Woman shoots Man a dirty look.

Man  reaches into man-purse.  Pulls out a bag of chips.  He opens the bag with a POP! Then, loudly, begins to crunch on the chips.  Crunch crunch crunch of the chip. Chew chew chew of the ice. Rustle rustle rustle goes the newspaper.

Loudspeaker: Please make sure your seat-belt is buckled and seat is in the full and upright attention.  If you will direct your attention to the front of the plane for a brief safety demonstration. This plane is about to depart.

Woman puts her head in her hands.  This is going to be a long flight.

Man‘s cell phone inexplicably begins to play music again.  Crunch crunch crunch of the chip.  Chew chew chew of the ice. Rustle rustle rustle goes the newspaper.

Woman: Oh Lordy…

End of scene. Beginning of longest flight EVER!

What is the weirdest person you’ve ever sat next to on a plane?

Comments:

  • Jennifer

    September 27, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I thought I was the only person who attracted those characters. I’ve sat next to the grandma who cracked open a Bud the minute we got up in the air and proceeded to have several more during the flight. I’ve sat next to the dude who keeps falling asleep and landing his head on your shoulder. Let’s see, people who want to have a conversation with you when you’re on a cross country flight and already jet lagged from a 3 hour time difference flying from Tampa to Vegas and back again in the span of two days, I could go on and on. At least the grandma with the Budweiser kept to herself.

    • Lora

      September 28, 2012 at 7:09 am

      Ugh! Having the guy fall asleep on your shoulder has definitely happened to me! That’s the worst. I hope I don’t do it on my red-eye next week, that would be awfully embarrassing!!