Why I’ve been so quiet
I’ve been struggling with what to say.
Because I have a confession to make:
I’ve been hurt.
I haven’t been able to run for the last month.
Why? Absolutely no reason. I just woke up one morning, twisted and then my scoliosis went all out of alignment and BOY DID IT HURT.
I’ve been struggling with trying to repair my body, as well as the struggles for my ego. When you can’t run, when you can’t do some of your favorite yoga postures, when you can’t move the way you are used to moving…it is beyond difficult.
I didn’t know what to say. We are entering the height of race season, my favorite time of year, and I can’t even go two miles. I’ve cried. I’ve hit pillows. I’ve been emotionally a wreck.
And then I realized, I am just being told to slow down. There will be more races. There will be other long runs. I have so much time to do them all.
So I am using this time to go within. To slow down. Try and permanently repair my back so that, going forward, I can run further and faster without pain.
But it means I have to be honest with you all. I’ve been hurting. And that is not an easy thing to share.
But now that I have, I think I will begin to heal. Because I do believe everything is happening FOR you and not TO you. And now that I’ve been forced to slow down, to go within, to pause from my favorite activities. I am better able to appreciate all that they offer. I have more love for running, for yoga, for Bar Method, for walking, for dancing–heck even for sitting.
And I’ve found out what lives inside when I *don’t* run. I’ve been saying hello to someone I needed to spend time with most of all….myself.
Meditating, slow yoga, reading, journaling, etc. That’s where I’ve been lately. Baking, cooking, slow walks, singing, chanting, breathing.
I’ve been within. And it will make me all the stronger when my back is healed and I can extend my fullest version of me out into the world.
So thank you scoliosis. Although I am so sad I can’t do some of my favorite activities right now, I am grateful for the back pain for allowing me to reconnect to one of the most important things in life–myself.